Hey guys, it's Dad, This morning I remembered (OK I didn't remember, my phone reminded me) that it was one of my friend's birthdays. We're pretty close friends, so I called him up to say hello and wish him well. Funny though, as I was reading over the post on his Facebook page, I saw something that I've seen countless times, but it never bothered me until today. Today I saw a post that simply said, "HBD." Initially, I didn't even know what it meant. I looked for a response from my friend to see if I could figure it out, but there wasn't one. My friend "Liked" the "HBD" comment, but he still gave no response. Then it hit me...HBD! Happy Birthday! When I figured it out, I unconsciously rolled my eyes back and shook my head. Why did that post upset me? I guess it didn't really upset me, but I was more feeling let down. We have become obsessed with efficiency; doing things quickly and with little effort. We fast forward our movies, our TV shows, and even our meals. We're starting to fast forward our entire lives! We've become so obsessed that we've forgotten how to be effective. There's a huge difference between effective and efficient. We need to be effective in our relationships; not efficient. Let me explain. Being effective means to produce the highest quality result. That's what we want for our friendships: High quality friends. Honestly though, do you want your relationships to be efficient (quick and with little effort)? At what point would you want your friends to be "efficient" with you? Where should they or you cut corners to save time? I have very few true friends. But they are my very best friends, and they matter to me. How they feel matters to me. Forgive my harshness, but the sender of this thoughtless, emotionless, lazy-mans-way birthday wish was either A) so busy that he couldn't be bothered to spend twenty seconds of his valuable time to write a kind, well thought out, sincere and effective birthday wish, B) he didn't actually care about my friend in the first place, or C) he was actually just being lazy (which we have all been guilty of) So here's my question: If you're too busy, don't care, or too lazy, why say anything at all? It's not a requirement! You didn't have to send a birthday wish. It's likely that nobody would have missed it. Imagine what my friend felt on his birthday, when he read "HBD" on his timeline. (I bet there were 20 or more identical posts). He probably felt nothing at all, right? So the birthday wish was...ineffective. Now imagine if he saw this on his timeline: "JOHN!!!! Happy Birthday! Man, you're 43 now! Crazy how time goes by so fast. I'm 50 now. FIFTY! Feelin' great though, and I hope you are too. I just wanted to send you quick note letting you know that I was thinking about your, and to wish you a happy birthday today. I hope that you, your bride, and your kiddos have a great time celebrating! Drop me a line if you're ever out this way, ok? We'll go grab a burrito down the street and get caught up! Again, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Chat soon!" There! See? That took just a little under ninety seconds to type out. Less that two minutes! I know, I know. "But I've got 1,462 friends on Facebook and it would take me all day to send out birthday wishes. It's just so much easier to use abbreviations. Yep, it is. It's so much easier. Now, I'm not here to tell you that nobody has 1,462 friends, but...yes I am. We don't have enough hours in our lives to manage than many TRUE friends. If you can't be bothered to even spell out two simple words, only to replace them with three initials, perhaps it's better that you don't say anything at all. In fact, Happy Birthday is actually only two words, so wouldn't the abbreviation simply be HB? Heck, that would even save 33% more time by dropping the "D". When we're dealing with people, our goal should never be "efficiency." It needs to be effectiveness. Isn't the point of sending a birthday greeting to make the recipient feel good? "HBD" isn't going to cut it, and neither is a response of "TY." So how can I be effective in my relationships? Well, just like we have to do in life, we have to be present; be in the moment with our relationships. In order to be effective you have to show a sense of authenticity and vulnerability. You need make the time and take the time to communicate the intended message. In today's day and age of shortcuts, life hacking strategies, laziness, and narcissism (that means really only being interested in yourself) we have a real opportunity to stand out. We can stand out as a model friend, a loving brother, cousin, or child. All we have to do is take a few extra moments away from ourselves and give those few moments to a few people that mean the most to you. You can give those moments to someone who needs them. You can lend an ear to a friend that wants to share. You can stop for a moment and think of a happy memory, then reach out to the people you were with at that happy time and say thank you. When I was really young, your Papa Jim told me that God gave us two ears and one mouth so that we would listen more than we speak. THAT is a beautiful lesson in effectiveness. I'm no expert, but it has served me well in my relationships at home, with friends, at school, with clients, and on and on. Don't be quick with your friends, be excellent with your friends. Show an interest in them. Ask them questions, then listen with the purpose of understanding their excitement, their pain, their fears. Then, once you understand how they're feeling, lean on the golden rule. Treat them in a way that you would like to be treated if you felt the way that they are feeling. Comfort them, laugh with them, celebrate with them and for them. If you do this, you will have more true friends than you can possibly imagine, but no so many that you have to wish them all a "HBD." I love you boys! Love Dad
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5 Words Tonight, I walked in from the garage to the sound of laughter in the kitchen. What better to walk in to? Michael had his shirt pulled up over his belly and he said, "Look, I've got a one pack." Although he was laughing, and in spite of the fact that he's a great looking kid, he has always been self conscious about his belly being, as he says, 'too big'. Truth be told, it's been that way since he was a baby. I remember taking pictures of him when he was a toddler, then sending them off to his doctor. At times he looked 9 months pregnant. Well, long story longer, this year his 'resolution' is to become more fit; stronger; healthier. "Maybe we could go to the gym together Dad. Not every day, but maybe 2 or 3 days per week?" His resolution on his terms. I couldn't have been more happy and proud of him. Back to the laughter. After looking at Michael with his shirt pulled up, I looked the other direction to see Adrianne with her shirt pulled up over her tummy. "Look Mikey! I have a no pack! No muscles here!" They were in such a happy place together; Michael's safe place. This was one of those time when I though that, as the same gender parent, I probably ought to show him that I love him, absolutely and unconditionally. At this particular moment in time, after all of the injuries and time away from training, I'm a good 10 pounds heavier than I want to be...and I'm FEELING it! So I looked him in the eyes and paused. I was thinking, "I know in my heart that he admires me. I know that he watches me put in endless hours of intense training. I know that he has had tears in his eyes when I've crossed those finish lines." Then, with a grin, I pulled my shirt up, stuck out my belly a bit and said, "See buddy. I've got your back. We'll work on it together, OK?" That's when he said it. He looked up from what he was doing, just for a split second, and said, "5 words Dad. 5 words." That phrase, "5 words", has evolved over the thousands; yes, he's 11...literally thousands of hours spent tucking him in at night. Some nights are long and filled with growing pains, some are short and sweet, others are silent with him falling asleep on my chest. Over the years, "I love you." became, "I love you buddy." Then it was "I love you to the moon." Now he's older. Now he really is maturing. Now it's so, so important that he believes, in his darkest moments, that no matter what...his mom and I love him. What are the 5 words? "Just the way you are." I showed him that I too have weaknesses; that I'm insecure, and his immediate, almost unconscious response was just that..."5 words dad. 5 words." I'll never forget that brief instance. Those hours by his side for all of those years are showing now. What a beautiful and special boy he is, with a really sensitive and loving heart. I love you Michael James....5 words. Hi guys. It’s Dad. An idea crossed my mind this morning after I dropped you off at school. It's bugged me for a while, so I want to share it with you. We live in a beautiful country, but this is one area where I think America got it wrong. Don’t let anybody or anything tell you what is beautiful. Only you could possibly know what is beautiful to YOU. Don’t look at magazine covers. Don’t watch reality TV. Don’t "see" what is shown to you…but see what truly is. Do you know the difference between a flowering weed and a flowering plant? I sure don’t. Does it even matter? They're both plants, and they both grow flowers, right? But which one is more beautiful? If you ask the florist, he’ll tell you that the expensive one beautiful. The truth is…how could a florist possibly know what’s beautiful to you? When you grow older and you find a young lady that you’re really attracted to, tell her that she is beautiful. She is beautiful the way she is. If she wasn't, you wouldn’t be attracted to her in the first place. Is it her intelligence or her kindness? Is it her strong spirit or her sense of humor? Or is it a unique blend of all of those qualities? Something attracted you to her, and her to you; something beautiful. Sure, when you're out on a date and her hair's just right and her makeup looks great - oh yeah, and she's wearing that cute outfit you love, she IS beautiful! But what about when she goes to sleep? What about when she wakes up in the morning with messy hair and wrinkly ol' pajamas? Did she somehow, in the middle of the night, become a completely different person? Of course not. She is the same person, with the same heart, the same mind, the same sense of humor; the same beauty. Yeah, her hair is a mess, and she’s sleepy, but she is just as beautiful as she was the night before. It's the truth. I promise. You know what’s beautiful about that special moment; that morning with messy hair and bad breath? What's special is "Her self." She is showing you her true, authentic self, and that means that she trusts you. She trusts you and feels safe next to you. What moment could be more beautiful than that? So, in that moment; in those types of moments, tell her that she’s beautiful and tell her why. Maybe she makes you laugh. Maybe she challenges you to become a stronger man. Maybe when she touches you, or she leans on your shoulder, even if just for a moment, the weight of the world melts away, . Protect her beauty, boys. Protect what's inside. Hide here eyes and her heart from the ridiculous standards that our society had created. Tell her to not to believe the lies and deceptions of the media. She is, as God intended; perfect. Maybe she's tall. Maybe she's short. Maybe she's curvy, or maybe she's not. Her eyes are unique. There aren't any other eyes like hers. Her hair is perfect, straight or curly, long or short, blonde, brown, red, or gray. It’s perfect. Be drawn to your partner for who she really is, and that will stand the test of time. We age. Our skin loses its softness. We get sick. We could become disfigured. We could lose the use of our body all together. Our bodies change, and there’s no way around that. Of course we're attracted to physical beauty! We're human beings! But only being attached to someone because they're cute will probably lead to a broken heart down the road. Our outward beauty is something that will inevitably leave us. It's something that we don’t ever actually possess, but we borrow. So don't grow too attached to it. It's about heart and character and respect and admiration and joy. A woman’s body changes when she gives birth to a child. On TV, in movies, magazines, and on social media, these changes are criticized, sending young women running to surgeons to get those changes "fixed". Those changes should be embraced, revered, and respected, not shamed, hidden, and criticized. Those changes are proof of the sacrifice she made in order to bring life into this world. THAT is beauty. Oh yeah, boys, remember that we age too. We'll get older, and slower, and less muscular, and bald! ;) That inner beauty though; that beauty that took you beyond attraction and made you fall in love; that beauty that made your heart ache when you were apart; that beauty doesn’t goes away. Like a flower, if you care for it, it grows. Guys, I want you to see that beauty in all things. It’s in the sunset. It’s in the mountains. It’s in a rock or a landmark or a skyscraper. And it’s in each of you. And it’s in all of us. See it. Appreciate it. …and tell her she’s beautiful. I love you, Dad |
AuthorAs a father of two sons, I have often wavered between feeling the burden of raising two strong, intelligent, compassionate young men and the privilege of doing so. Archives
May 2017
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